Are you overworked, underpaid, anxious, stretched too thin?
If you said "yes" then it’s time to start a self-care routine! But there’s just one question: does self-care help us in the way we think and feel?
In Anne Helen Peterson’s book, Can’t Even, she puts it perfectly:
"You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the entire family. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to help yourself. You don’t fix it with vacation, or an adult coloring book, or anxiety baking, or the Pomodoro Technique, or overnight oats.”
I agree with Anne, when it comes to self-care, I think we’re looking in all the wrong places. This is a junk-food version of self-care, and it’s leaving us unhealthy, empty, disappointed, and looking for more nourishment.
If you are going to take care of yourself, it’s not going to come from a yoga class or scented candles or a sound bath. Those things are not bad, but they are fleeting which means the only real meaningful work we can do is on the inside.
Then why are we trying all these different self-care strategies? Simply put, we hope they will make us feel better. And perhaps they do for a day or week or if you are lucky a month. But in order to start making changes that stick, we need the right kind of self-care.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, psychiatrist and author of Real Self-Care points out 4 rules for real self-care:
- Learn to set boundaries with others and yourself. “This often means balancing the needs of people close to you, like your partner’s preference or your children’s needs, with your own desires and needs. In this process, you must learn to stop being controlled by feelings of guilt, which are inevitable but can be managed.” This means developing the ability to say no (tough for people pleasers). But remember, guilt shouldn’t be your compass for decision-making.
- Have compassion for yourself. This may sound silly but have a conversation with yourself the way you’d talk to your best friend who is struggling. “Practicing real self-care means looking honestly and unflinchingly at what you need (and what you want) and giving yourself permission to have it. This is hard, life is messy right now, and it’s okay to have needs.”
- What matters most to you. “Real self-care brings you closer to the most authentic version of yourself. It’s a process of getting to know yourself—your real self—including your core values, beliefs, and desires.” This could be through journaling, therapy or even conversations with loved ones. Taking time to process what actually is happening and processing our feelings can require some uncomfortable work. Shoving and cramming down our feelings just doesn’t work.
- Do what you can to help others! Real genuine self-care is about making yourself emotionally stronger and standing up for your needs. When you start to take care of yourself, you can give support to others in a healthy way too. This can include helping other people who are hurting, speaking up for yourself, and making decisions that support your personal goals and values.
Having compassion for yourself is essential for self-care. It helps us maintain balance, optimal mental health and emotional wellbeing. It means treating yourself with kindness, understanding and forgiveness, especially during those challenging times. Remember that everyone makes mistakes; it’s called life and a part of being a human.